I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
