He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
