Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
