Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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