Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize