hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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