No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
