The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
