I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
