well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
