A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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