He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
