Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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