Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
