Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
