the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
