i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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