You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize