My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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