grandma shit on top of the toilet
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
there's paper in my vomit.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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