I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
