i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
