If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
