I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
