Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
