Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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