I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
