We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
