no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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