cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
