summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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