i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
