Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
