yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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