My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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