I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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