Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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