"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
