Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize
