What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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