Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You ruined the universe
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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