just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
