i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
