Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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