So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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