Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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