Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
