If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize