I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
