There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
