you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
