i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
