I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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