i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Banned from zoo.
Again?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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