The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
