I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
