last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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