I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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