My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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